Planes are like trains but with no tracks. They’re filled up with people and fly around in the sky. They’re powered by jet engines that have the power of 18 dozen cars and run on a mixture of butter and beeswax. The first men to fly used complicated contraptions that looked like crippled birds and they crashed a lot.
My family and I took a plane to Florida to go see alligators. Alligators are like dogs covered in leather with a bear trap for a mouth. They eat whole watermelons and footballs for breakfast. If you’re ever near an alligator you should rub its belly to make it fall asleep. My brother Todd was wrestling with an alligator in Florida and the alligator thought that Todd’s tickle snake was a lungfish. The alligator chomped onto it and it sounded like when Kitty got stuck in the bear trap and Todd still has an alligator tooth rattling around in his tickle snake.
Before we left on the trip we had to make sure we were all packed up and ready to go. My daddy said that we were only allowed to carry a certain amount of stuff because the last time the airline gave us someone else’s luggage and Todd had to wear red lace panties for the week we visited Grandma. There was also a plastic stick with a motor in it that Daddy said we should give to Margaret Shatskin so she’ll stop trying to plug up her girl slit with my dingle.
The Airport was full of all kinds of people heading in different directions. It was very crowded and we had to wait forever in the waiting area before they let us on the plane. Once inside the plane we found our seats. Todd and I were next to the window. After we were in the air for a while they served us some food in little tiny plastic containers. Mommy told us to keep them because she wanted to use them later. The food tasted like barbecued tennis balls and it squiggled down my throat like a wacky wall-walker.
At one point, my brother Todd had to go to the bathroom. When he was in there he sat down to take a poo. When he flushed, the suction pulled on his weenus and the flusher slammed shut on his weenus. It sounded like when Daddy stuck the vacuum cleaner on Kitty’s poo hole to get the beans out and Todd had to have the flight attendant come pull his weenus out of the toilet. Daddy said the flight attendant spent a little too much time helping out.
Before we landed my ears were popping like crazy. The flight attendant just told me to relax my jaw and make my mouth like an "O." The landing was bumpy and one of our suitcases fell out of the overhead compartment and landed on an old lady. Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about the alligators we saw.
The City is where a lot of people live. They all have sorts of different colored skins in the city and the buildings are very tall. My family and I went to the city one time because that’s where uncle Remus lives. Uncle Remus lives in what Daddy calls the People Zoo.
We took a train to get into the city. Trains are like cars but they run on tracks and are fueled by baby oil and crab cakes. If you put a penny on a track it gets all flattened. My brother Todd put his meat stick on the tracks one time and it got run over. It sounded like when Daddy over-inflated my bicycle tire, and Todd had to have his dingle inflated with other people’s blood from the hospital.
The city was really big and there were people everywhere. There are people who even sleep outside in the streets because there’s no room for them inside buildings. I think they eat squirrels from the park. The squirrels are like dogs but much smaller and they eat nuts. They have gray fur and they run on tree bark and cigarettes. My brother Todd tried to pick a fight with a squirrel that stole his cigarettes and the squirrel latched onto his special worm and bit the mushroom cap off. It sounded like when Kitty’s tail got stuck in the lawnmower and Todd needed to get 85 stitches on his mushroom cap.
When we got to the People Zoo it was full of people in cages. They looked like the monkeys at the zoo except they weren’t baking as many brownies. I think they’re not allowed to have ovens. Uncle Remus said that he was let out of his cage so he could come talk to us. He gave me a toy gun that he whittled out of soap and he gave Todd a funny look.
We saw a bunch of ladies walking down the street afterward. They were wearing lots of lipstick and you could see their boobies through their shirts. Mommy said that they were just like Margaret Shatskin because they put man hammers in their peaches for money and they wear tight pants that showed off their peach slits. I’m not supposed to play with Margaret anymore because I don’t have any money.
The city was hot and muggy. It smelled like grandpa’s pants. Daddy said he was glad we didn’t live in the city because of all the funny skin colors and people with big noses. On the way home we stopped at the Dairy Queen and I got a chocolate ice cream cone. One time Margaret Shatskin said that girl’s poo soft serve ice cream and she said that if I didn’t believe her she would show me.
I had to go to the Doctor’s office for a check up the other day. The Doctor is a very smart woman with a white coat. Her office smells like band-aids and sickness. Doctors have to spend many years going to school and they cut up dead bodies and eat dead people’s food because they’re poor.
Margaret Shatskin wants to be a doctor. She’s always examining my wangle and poo-hole. She said that she could make a lot of money by examining wangles and poo-holes and testy-hoos so she needs the practice. She has a textbook about it called Nuggets. Mommy says that Margaret is a tramp and that her hands are covered in scabies and poo-dirt, so I’m no supposed to let her touch my wangle anymore.
The Doctor puts a special thing in my ear with a flashlight on it. She said that I have a lot of wax in there but I don’t hear her so well. She made me stand on a scale and weigh myself and see how tall I am. My brother Todd tried to weigh his weenus on the scale but it didn’t weigh anything and the doctor accidentally stepped on it. It sounded like when the doctor pumps up my arm to test my blood pressure and she had to wrap Todd’s weenus in a bunch of band-aids and ointments.
When visiting the Doctor’s office you should always be polite. The doctor used her stethoscope to test my heartbeat and then she hit my knees with a hammer to test my reflexes. My brother Todd played doctor with Margaret Shatskin one time and he tested her flexes. She kicked him square in the jelly bag and his jelly bag cracked open like an egg and a bunch of his red jelly came out. It looked like when Kitty had babies and Todd had to pee in a special toilet.
In a special examination room the doctor put her hand on my scrotum and dinkie-cord. She said that everything seemed to be in the right place, which isn’t the case with my brother Todd. She said his penis looks like a grenade went off in it.
The doctor gave me a clean bill of health and let me take some stickers and a lollipop. My brother Todd wasn’t so lucky. He had to take pills to help his pee stream but he still got a lollipop. He said he was supposed to give it to Margaret for practice.
Every summer my family and I go to the beach. It’s called Paquetsquattonic Beach and it takes us forever to get there. Daddy usually lets mommy drive so that he can have some of his special cigarettes.
At the beach there is sea glass all over the place. It’s usually brown and smashed to bits near our towels. There’s new sea glass coming all the time and Daddy tells us to watch out for it because it falls from the sky sometimes. My brother Todd used to collect sea glass and one time some of the sea glass fell from the sky and cut open his ping pong pouch and one of his ping pongs fell out. It looked like the cow eyeball I saw at the science center and it was looking at me.
I like to make sandcastles. Sandcastles are castles that you make using buckets and shovels. Daddy and Mommy tell us to make a good sandcastle. If we don’t build it good then they’ll leave us at the beach. Then Daddy has more special cigarettes and falls asleep. One time Todd buried himself in the sand except for his man-squid. A flock of seagulls fell from the sky and pulled on it like it was a worm. They pecked a bunch of holes in his pringle can and it looked like shark intestine I saw at the science center. He had to pee through a straw and the doctor said he would never make babies because his spermlets were all peed out.
At the beach you have to watch out for jelly fish. Jellyfish are invertebrates and they have 127 legs each. They look like my fat aunt’s dress in the wind, and they float around in the ocean waves all day. If you get near them they sting you with their 135 separate legs and you get poisoned. The poison has to be peed on to be cured. My brother Todd was bit by a jellyfish’s legs one time on his fish-stick. It swelled up real big and looked like the sea cucumber that I saw at the science center. The doctor put a needle into it to drain all the pee out and it looked like when Daddy hit his finger with the hammer.
The beach is great because you can lie in the sun and catch some rays. You have to wear suntan lotion if you don’t want to get burnt. Margaret Shatskin was at the beach and she wanted to put lotion on my man hammer but Mommy caught her and told her to go hang out with the sailors like Mrs. Shatskin.
Tim is taking a day off to collect his thoughts and determine the future of his site. He promises that he'll return on Monday with more hijinx and learning.
Bears are big furry animals that live in the woods. They have sharp teeth and claws. Shaking hands with a bear would be like shaking hands with a bunch of razor sharp bananas. The live in caves and sometimes hide in tree stands and dress up in shirts made of leaves.
You should stay away from bears because they can tear your arms off and beat you to death with them. My brother Todd was pretending to fish for salmon with his pee-rod when a bear jumped out of the river and tore his wiener off and beat him with it. It sounded like when daddy beat that stray dog with a garden hose and Todd had to pee into a special wheel chair.
Bears eat pinecones and weasels for breakfast. For lunch they eat apples and snails. Snails are wicked slow. If you were to race a snail you’d win a bunch of times before he even got started. Snails are all fat and lazy, and sometimes they pretend to be sleeping but they’re really still moving. You can’t tell because they move so slowly.
Snails are gastropods. Gastro means tummy and pod means snake. They slide around on their big foot and leave a slime trail. One time my brother Todd put a snail shell on his pecker and pretended it was a snail losing a race. A bear thought it was lunchtime and tried to crack open Todd’s nugget pouch. It sounded like when daddy split open a grapefruit with a garden hose and Todd had to get 37 staples on his nugget pouch.
Bears are the kings of the forest and they tell all the chipmunks and wallabies what to do. In the wintertime they sleep inside caves while they hibernate. Hibernation is a very deep sleep during which the bear digests all the pinecones and snails he ate during the summer. You should never disturb a sleeping bear. My brother Todd put a saddle on top of a hibernating bear one time and the bear woke up. It bucked Todd up to the ceiling and the saddlecock poked into Todd’s perineum. It sounded like when daddy plugged up the end of the garden hose and it popped and Todd needed to get sewn up like Frankenstein.
Bears are best when they’re stuffed and not dangerous. You should always stay at least three feet away from a bear and never try to poke one with a stick, or shoot one with a BB gun.
bonus story to make up for weak material earlier today
One time when my brother Todd was sunbathing naked in the backyard a big eagle came down and thought that his whistle-fish was a worm on a rock. An eagle’s wingspan is six feet, about two feet more than Todd. It has razor sharp talons that can skeletonize a watermelon in mere seconds. The eagle sliced Todd’s private potato into ribbons. It looked like when that eel went through the turbine at the damn. His pickle changed color in the sun like Zartan from G.I. Joe.
One time my parents asked me to put on a show for them. They had been watching Star Search and thought that I might be a cash cow. I thought that meant that I should paint black splotches on my clothes and moo for them, but daddy's belt told me otherwise.
I hadn't done much singing, but my brother Todd once used his penis as a microphone. He was singing about his ding-a-ling when he tripped over kitty and fell down the stairs with Leroy still in his hands. It sounded like when the garbage truck ran over a pile of bubble wrap and he had to get 38 stitches.
My parents dressed me up like Michael Jackson, with leather pants and a white rubber glove on my hand. They told me to dance around on my head. I can't sing very well at all, but they put vaseline on my teeth so I had a good smile. At the recital I was up against Margaret Shatskin. She was wearing these tiny little pants and a bikini top. She said that she was going to get fake boobies but her mom wouldn't let her yet.
I got up on stage and sang about peanuts and ice cream. The song went like this:
P-p-p-peanuts and ice cream
chicka-chika cha-boom
p-p-p-peanuts and ice cream
dadda-da-dum-dum-dum
p-p-p-peanuts and ice cream
slappity-dap-kazap-a-rap-pap
p-p-p-peanuts and ice cream
I'm just a little boy lookin' for food
It went on a from there, with a verse about strawberries, but it wasn't very good. My dad wrote it on a napkin before the recital. The woman playing the piano had a hard time making out his musical notes, but it sounded okay to me. I did a short dance and I tried to do a split. I never had any lessons so I just copied the people I see on television.
After it was over I got second place. It was a trophy that looked like someone about to dive into a pool. My dad was pissed that there wasn't any money so he tried to crack open the trophy. He thought there was money inside the trophy but there was only trophy flakes inside. My brother Todd tried to crack open a coconut one time to get the gold inside and he smashed his meatsie-stick with a hammer. It looked like when the garbage truck ran over a ketchup bottle and Leroy had to get 47 stiches.
My singing career didn't last very long because I really couldn't sing. My dad tried to get my brother Todd to sing but he was always in the hospital with a broken penis, and my dad said that wouldn't move any units.
Every year we have to do a science fair project for science class at school. All of the projects are judged by teachers and stuff and then the ones whose parents helped the most get ribbons at the end.
This year my project was testing whether beans can grow in a cat's belly. Kitty ate a bunch of bean seeds the other day and she hasn't pooed in her poo box yet. My dad said that a bean should sprout from the bean seed when it gets wet, so my hypothesis is that kitty will poo beans. My brother Todd pooed acorns once. Todd's tree is in the backyard.
Along with my experiments I have to make a poster. I used poster board from the drug store and some magic markers. My brother Todd thought that magic markers were really magic one time when he put a bunch of them in a bag and breathed nothing but magic marker air for seven minutes. He said that he felt like flying and he fell out the window onto a pricker bush. The prickers and nettles got all over his weenus and testy-hoos and afterwards it looked like a cactus. The kids on the bus called him porcupine scrotum.
I have to prepare all the steps of my experiment. A good experiment has a test subject and a control. Since kitty has never pooed beans before it's a safe bet that if she poos beans today it'll be because of the bean seeds she ate. I've been keeping kitty hot in the dryer to incubate the seeds. My brother Todd got stuck in the dryer one time. His belt buckle got superheated and touched his dinkle-stick. It smelled like when dad got a hot dog stuck in the toaster, and he had a boy scouts logo burned onto his dinkle-stick.
I can't wait to see if kitty poos beans. She's been pretty grumpy today, and she won't go near her litter box. Cats are stubburn and finicky. Dad says they're like women because they never listen and they always make a mess of things. One time he put lipstick all over kitty's mouth and said it was a hooker just like my mom. He said I should squeeze the beans out of kitty, and then they would sprout in the litter box.
I hope I win first prize this year because I think my cat project is very scientific. Science is all about disproving jesus.
On Thursday we all went to the Zoo. We had to ride in the car for a long time to get there and mom and dad fought the whole time. Mom said that dad was in trouble for talking to the hooker last night at the Burger King. I don't remember my dad talking to a hooker, but he was talking to Mrs. Shatskin and she was giving dad a special massage.
Once we got to the zoo we went right in and bought peanuts. That's my favorite part of the zoo because mom won't let me eat peanuts at home because I'm allergic, but for some reason I get to eat them at the zoo. My brother Todd makes fun of me when my tongue swells up but I don't say anything because his penis is always broken.
I wanted to go to the reptile house to see all the snakes and lizards. Snakes eat grasshoppers and they do the work of the devil. Sometimes snakes can talk and I even once saw a snake riding a bicycle. My brother Todd was riding his bicycle once and he ran over a snake. It got twisted in his spokes so his bike flipped over. He landed on the bike and his special worm got twisted in the spokes too. He rolled over and over and when he stopped his wangle looked like a plum. It was all purple and bulgy. That's why mom won't let me leave the house without a belt because she's afraid I'll get my tingle finger stuck in something.
I also wanted to see the monkey house. Monkeys are crazy. They have hair all over their bodies and they eat marshmallows in the jungle. Marshmallows grow on trees like apples and the monkeys pick them down and throw them at each other before they eat them. They also throw brownies before they eat them. They have monkey ovens way up in the trees where they bake the brownies. One of the monkeys looked like he had a red hot poker coming out of his lap, and he was chasing one of the girl monkeys around with it. She didn't want to get burnt and when he finally caught her it sounded like when mom put a cigarette out on kitty's tail. The monkey got burnt really bad.
At the end of the day we went to see the penguins. Penguins are from the moon. That's why they have black and white coats and eat fish all the time. The moon is loaded with good fish to eat, and lots of penguins. My brother Todd tried to go to the moon one time. He built a rocket in the backyard out of cardboard tubes, bird's nests, and gasoline. When he lit the fuse the rocket exploded in a big fireball and torched Todd's testicle bag and slinky. Afterward it looked like that dead frog that we found on the sidewalk, and he had to pee into a bag.
I liked the zoo. It was a cool time. My favorite part was the elephant. There was a crazy clown who ran around and scooped up all the brownies afterwards. The elephant has a secret oven inside that's baking brownies all the time. That clown is lucky. He brings the brownies over the monkey house for their afternoon tea party with cigarettes.
One time my brother Todd and I went swimming in a swimming pool. Swimming pools are great because they're like big bath tubs but with no soap. I hate taking baths because I have to share the tub with Todd and he tries to hold my face under the water and drop "depth charges" from his poo-hole on my nose. There's more room in the swimming pool so I can get away easier from Todd.
This swimming pool was at Margaret Shatskin's house. She lives right down the street and one time she showed me her girl-slit in the sandbox. It looked like a peach. She wanted to see my tingle finger but I got scared and peed behind a tree with a bag over my head. Margaret laughed at me and said that I had the poo-shingles, whatever that means.
We were at the pool on a hot day in the summer time. Mommy was drinking her special Kool-Aid with Mrs. Shatskin. Mrs. Shatskin smokes cigarettes. My brother Todd smoked a cigarette one time and he dropped the ashes on his pants. He burnt the end of his pee hole and had to wear a special diaper and it smelled like when kitty got stuck in the dryer.
The swimming pool was fun and we played Marco Polo and dove for rings at the bottom. I like swimming. Todd was swimming near the wall though, and he wanted to show Margaret his pocket fish. She said she didn't want to see it because it was probably dirty, and she said she wouldn't show him her whisker basket even though he wanted to see it. My brother Todd pulled out his dingle and it got stuck in one of the little suckers on the side of the pool. It sounded like when kitty got stuck in the dryer, and Todd screamed like a woman. Mr. Shatskin had to come into the pool and pull Todd off of the sucking machine.
Afterwards his little pee-rod looked like a raisin. It was all shriveled and tiny. Our mom didn't want us hanging out with Margaret after that. She said that Margaret was a cock tease like her mother and that she would get filled up with babies some day if she wasn't careful. She said that the babies live inside Todd's crab apples and now they're in the sewer after he humped the pool sucker. That's why it looked like a raisin because all the babies were drained out of it.
The afterlife A presention for CCD by Timothy B. Tanglefrappe, 8
In the afterworld there is wrestling all the time. All the time. They have water fountains that spurt cotton candy and coffee makers that run on bubble gum. The clouds are like lay-z-boys, which is going to be awesome. I sometimes can't wait to be in the afterlife because that's where angels are.
Angels are like flying mermaids with wings. They can play guitar and have voices like a herd of elephants. Sometimes when they flush the toilet it rains. Other times they have trouble on the toilet and we have thunder. My brother Todd had trouble on the toilet one time and he said he tore his poo-hole wide open. It sounded like when Hulk Hogan rips a phone book in half.
The gates of heaven are gaurded by seven naked monkeys. They eat bananas all the time and talk about cars. They weigh everyone on a big scale before they can get into heaven. If you don't weigh the right amount you won't get in. My brother Todd tried to weigh a monkey once and he got stuck in the bars of its cage at the zoo. He said his nugget pouch got bit by the monkey because it looked like a peanut. His little nugget pouch looked like a peanut and the monkey was hungry for peanuts.
Heaven is where boys and girls can hang out and do stuff. There are ping pong tables and pinball machines and god. God is super good at baseball. He plays indian rubber rules so you have to run really fast. Sometimes Jesus plays short stop if he isn't busy doing other Jesus stuff like answering the phone and turning dirt into people. When God beans you with an indian rubber ball it hurts like he threw a bowling ball. My brother Todd dropped a bowling ball on his pee-stick one time. It rolled off a shelf and flattened his pee-stick like a pancake. He said that his pee felt like sandpaper.
There are lots of old people in Heaven that already died. They're really old and wrinkly. Sometimes they die again in heaven because they're so old their bones turn into bacon. There are moms and dads in heaven too. They sleep in separate beds just like they do on earth.
heaven has one power plant to supply the whole place. It uses chinese people for fuel. When we run out of chinese people heaven will have no lights anymore. The power is used to run vending machines and vaccuum cleaners. My brother Todd got his special worm stuck in the vaccuum cleaner. He said he was playing astronaut and his special worm was running out of air. It sounded like when hulk hogan rips a phone book in half.
Heaven is a place where good people go and sometimes Jews too.
Bees are insects. They buzz sometimes. They move their wings in a circular motion, and sometimes flap them backwards to take advantage of lift in both directions. Bees take nectar from flower hoo-hoos and turn it into honey. They have tiny little honey pots inside their hives.
Stay away from hives because bees can sting and bite you. My brother Todd whipped a hive with a sock full of quarters and he got stung 97 times on his face and arms and dingle. One of them flew in his pants and bit his dingle. Bees run on gasoline.
Bees have been around for millions of years and used to play dominoes with dinosaurs. They were much bigger then, about the size of a watermelon. They sounded like chainsaws. Bees have a queen who lays eggs all day like a chicken. But you can't make an omelette out of scrambled bee eggs. My brother Todd tried to scramble bee eggs and he got stung 85 times on his face and arms and poo-hole. One of the bees got into his pants and bit his poo-hole. The omelette tasted like tire-rubber.
Bees live in big groups. There are hundreds of dozens of them living in the hive. They have different levels of bees, like worker, and drone, and dancer. The dancer bees tell the other bees where the good nectar is so that they can make good honey for their pots and fatten the queen. The dancer bees are the ones wearing spandex.
In conclusion, bees are nature's BBs. They are small and fast and they can sting you. My brother Todd was shot by BBs once in his man hammer. The BB flew into his pants and bit his man hammer. Bees eat children's laughter sometimes.
