Bears are big furry animals that live in the woods. They have sharp teeth and claws. Shaking hands with a bear would be like shaking hands with a bunch of razor sharp bananas. The live in caves and sometimes hide in tree stands and dress up in shirts made of leaves.

You should stay away from bears because they can tear your arms off and beat you to death with them. My brother Todd was pretending to fish for salmon with his pee-rod when a bear jumped out of the river and tore his wiener off and beat him with it. It sounded like when daddy beat that stray dog with a garden hose and Todd had to pee into a special wheel chair.

Bears eat pinecones and weasels for breakfast. For lunch they eat apples and snails. Snails are wicked slow. If you were to race a snail you’d win a bunch of times before he even got started. Snails are all fat and lazy, and sometimes they pretend to be sleeping but they’re really still moving. You can’t tell because they move so slowly.

Snails are gastropods. Gastro means tummy and pod means snake. They slide around on their big foot and leave a slime trail. One time my brother Todd put a snail shell on his pecker and pretended it was a snail losing a race. A bear thought it was lunchtime and tried to crack open Todd’s nugget pouch. It sounded like when daddy split open a grapefruit with a garden hose and Todd had to get 37 staples on his nugget pouch.

Bears are the kings of the forest and they tell all the chipmunks and wallabies what to do. In the wintertime they sleep inside caves while they hibernate. Hibernation is a very deep sleep during which the bear digests all the pinecones and snails he ate during the summer. You should never disturb a sleeping bear. My brother Todd put a saddle on top of a hibernating bear one time and the bear woke up. It bucked Todd up to the ceiling and the saddlecock poked into Todd’s perineum. It sounded like when daddy plugged up the end of the garden hose and it popped and Todd needed to get sewn up like Frankenstein.

Bears are best when they’re stuffed and not dangerous. You should always stay at least three feet away from a bear and never try to poke one with a stick, or shoot one with a BB gun.