The Science Fair
by Timothy B. Tanglefrappe, 8

Every year we have to do a science fair project for science class at school. All of the projects are judged by teachers and stuff and then the ones whose parents helped the most get ribbons at the end.

This year my project was testing whether beans can grow in a cat's belly. Kitty ate a bunch of bean seeds the other day and she hasn't pooed in her poo box yet. My dad said that a bean should sprout from the bean seed when it gets wet, so my hypothesis is that kitty will poo beans. My brother Todd pooed acorns once. Todd's tree is in the backyard.

Along with my experiments I have to make a poster. I used poster board from the drug store and some magic markers. My brother Todd thought that magic markers were really magic one time when he put a bunch of them in a bag and breathed nothing but magic marker air for seven minutes. He said that he felt like flying and he fell out the window onto a pricker bush. The prickers and nettles got all over his weenus and testy-hoos and afterwards it looked like a cactus. The kids on the bus called him porcupine scrotum.

I have to prepare all the steps of my experiment. A good experiment has a test subject and a control. Since kitty has never pooed beans before it's a safe bet that if she poos beans today it'll be because of the bean seeds she ate. I've been keeping kitty hot in the dryer to incubate the seeds. My brother Todd got stuck in the dryer one time. His belt buckle got superheated and touched his dinkle-stick. It smelled like when dad got a hot dog stuck in the toaster, and he had a boy scouts logo burned onto his dinkle-stick.

I can't wait to see if kitty poos beans. She's been pretty grumpy today, and she won't go near her litter box. Cats are stubburn and finicky. Dad says they're like women because they never listen and they always make a mess of things. One time he put lipstick all over kitty's mouth and said it was a hooker just like my mom. He said I should squeeze the beans out of kitty, and then they would sprout in the litter box.

I hope I win first prize this year because I think my cat project is very scientific. Science is all about disproving jesus.