One time my parents asked me to put on a show for them. They had been watching Star Search and thought that I might be a cash cow. I thought that meant that I should paint black splotches on my clothes and moo for them, but daddy's belt told me otherwise.

I hadn't done much singing, but my brother Todd once used his penis as a microphone. He was singing about his ding-a-ling when he tripped over kitty and fell down the stairs with Leroy still in his hands. It sounded like when the garbage truck ran over a pile of bubble wrap and he had to get 38 stitches.

My parents dressed me up like Michael Jackson, with leather pants and a white rubber glove on my hand. They told me to dance around on my head. I can't sing very well at all, but they put vaseline on my teeth so I had a good smile. At the recital I was up against Margaret Shatskin. She was wearing these tiny little pants and a bikini top. She said that she was going to get fake boobies but her mom wouldn't let her yet.


I got up on stage and sang about peanuts and ice cream. The song went like this:

P-p-p-peanuts and ice cream
chicka-chika cha-boom
p-p-p-peanuts and ice cream
dadda-da-dum-dum-dum
p-p-p-peanuts and ice cream
slappity-dap-kazap-a-rap-pap
p-p-p-peanuts and ice cream
I'm just a little boy lookin' for food

It went on a from there, with a verse about strawberries, but it wasn't very good. My dad wrote it on a napkin before the recital. The woman playing the piano had a hard time making out his musical notes, but it sounded okay to me. I did a short dance and I tried to do a split. I never had any lessons so I just copied the people I see on television.

After it was over I got second place. It was a trophy that looked like someone about to dive into a pool. My dad was pissed that there wasn't any money so he tried to crack open the trophy. He thought there was money inside the trophy but there was only trophy flakes inside. My brother Todd tried to crack open a coconut one time to get the gold inside and he smashed his meatsie-stick with a hammer. It looked like when the garbage truck ran over a ketchup bottle and Leroy had to get 47 stiches.

My singing career didn't last very long because I really couldn't sing. My dad tried to get my brother Todd to sing but he was always in the hospital with a broken penis, and my dad said that wouldn't move any units.