Um, well…

I’m sure that a lot of you have been wondering what’s going on around here. I understand. But let me assure you that Tim is okay, as is Todd, aside from a split scrotum suffered from an unfortunate incident involved a tiny mouse costume and an elephant’s foot. He’ll bounce back, I’m told

The thing is, it’s become increasingly hard to come up with places and spaces in which to place Tim and his mischeiveious brother Todd, who just last week ruptured his poo-hole while trying to feed a carrot to a donkey while in a prone position. After being rushed to the hospital and fitted with a rubber “o” ring, Todd was welcomed back into the house in a special wheelchair with a toilet installed.

But I’ve been thinking about whether to continue with the site, or to perhaps rearranging the publishing schedule so as not to conflict with my other deadlines as a reporter. I think that it’s difficult to write three pieces a week involving the two Mexican neighbors, as well as Margaret Shatskin, who just this morning asked Todd to help tie her shoes while she stood over a mirror in a skirt. She then asked him to help her apply lip gloss using his “special lipstick” that her mom had referenced the evening prior.

I know for a fact that I will be unable to continue the rapid three-day pace of stories, but I would like to continue the site. However, I don’t even know if you people are reading. So perhaps you should leave some suggestions as to what I should do with Tim, and his reckless brother Todd who is finally just healing up from his penis surgery—the result of an infected spider bite after affixing flies to his male member. The numbed and poisoned-organ looked like a “dried up and chewed on cigar” according to Tim, who witnessed the whole event.

So please, drop me a line, or leave a comment, and let me know if you want me to continue, or if I should leave the family in peace.

Thanks for reading.

--ed.

In my town there is a big pirate ship that was once used by pirates for pirating in the ocean. It’s old and rickety and it smells like rotten feet and it creaks like Grandpa when he walks. It’s down in the harbor where the water is all green and foamy like the wet patch in the backyard. The ship is called the Rising Wind.

We took a school trip to see the pirate ship and learn about the ways of pirates and all the pirating they did. Pirates were scurvy dogs that wore eye patches and peg legs. They smoked cheese and ate limes and slept with coconuts in their beds instead of pillows. My brother Todd tried to open a coconut with a hammer one time and he missed and split his coconuts open and a bunch of milk came out all over the place. He said “arghhhh” like a pirate and had to be sewn up like a sock monkey.

Juan and his little brother Estaban were on the trip and they said that some of their relatives are still pirates but they don’t dress like women. They use automatic weapons instead of swords like old pirates did. Old pirates used doubloons for money and used sailboats. My brother Todd tried to raise the sail of the pirate ship and got his peter pangus caught in the rigging. He said “Ahoy” like a pirate and it smelled like when Daddy burned tires in the backyard.

The guide at the pirate ship told us that pirates used to fight against other boats with cannons and muskets. The cannons on the ship were very heavy and would blow holes in the sides of other boats. One time my brother Todd accidentally swallowed a musket ball and when it came out it blew out his poo-hole. It looked like a snake eating an egg in reverse and he said “Argg, me booty” like a pirate.

The pirate ship was lots of fun and I liked to see the ocean and ship. At the gift shop I bought an eye patch so I could play pirate with my friends. Margaret Shatskin bought a peg leg but I haven’t seen her wearing it yet. She said she has to wash it first.

The Fourth of July is America’s birthday. The president covers the white house with frosting and sticks a whole bunch of candles in the top and then each state gets two wishes for the year. Daddy says that most of them wish for money, but a couple of them wish for hookers.

Every year we celebrate by cooking franks and beans and cornbread and melon. Mommy makes a jello surprise with string cheese inside. Daddy says that if hadn’t shaved his taste buds off with beer that he wouldn’t be able to eat it. We cook everything on the grill and we sometimes fry the hotdogs in oil and roll them in salt. We have hostess cupcakes for dessert.

Some years Margaret and Mrs. Shatskin come over to eat with us. Mrs. Shatskin usually eats a lot of hot dogs, but she eats them really slowly, and doesn’t put them in buns. Margaret tried to put mustard and relish and a bun on my peter pangus, but Mommy caught her before she could.

At night we have a fireworks display that my brother Todd puts on. One time he tripped and landed on a bottle rocket and it exploded his poo-hole. It looked like when we dropped a pumpkin off the overpass and Todd pooed liquid for three days. Each year he tries to put on a bigger and bigger show. This year was the biggest.

Daddy just watches. Mommy won’t let him touch the fireworks because he’s had too much of his special cigarette medicine. My brother Todd gets the fireworks from Juan Pedro, the Mexican boy down the street. Juan and his little brother Estaban come over for the fourth of July celebration and they eat their hot dogs out of taco shells. They always get a big kick out of it when my brother Todd blows his anus to shreds.

Todd had decided to pile several m80s this year. He wanted a big explosion. But Kitty had tried to get one of the salted hot dogs off the grill and caught her whiskers on fire. Daddy gave Kitty a big boot to put the fire out and Kitty went flying onto the m80 pile. She set the m80s on fire and ran off into the woods to fuck squirrels like Daddy says she does. The pile of m80s exploded with Todd on top of it. He had been peeing a ring around the pile to make sure the explosion stayed in one place and the explosion blew his swanson to bits. It sounded like when we stuck a banana in the muffler and Todd’s weenus looked like a burnt match.

The fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. We get to celebrate patriotic heroes like Benjamin Franklin and Uncle Sam. It’s also the time of year when Todd has to wait the longest in the emergency room because there’s a bunch of other kids in there with missing fingers.