The Fourth of July is America’s birthday. The president covers the white house with frosting and sticks a whole bunch of candles in the top and then each state gets two wishes for the year. Daddy says that most of them wish for money, but a couple of them wish for hookers.

Every year we celebrate by cooking franks and beans and cornbread and melon. Mommy makes a jello surprise with string cheese inside. Daddy says that if hadn’t shaved his taste buds off with beer that he wouldn’t be able to eat it. We cook everything on the grill and we sometimes fry the hotdogs in oil and roll them in salt. We have hostess cupcakes for dessert.

Some years Margaret and Mrs. Shatskin come over to eat with us. Mrs. Shatskin usually eats a lot of hot dogs, but she eats them really slowly, and doesn’t put them in buns. Margaret tried to put mustard and relish and a bun on my peter pangus, but Mommy caught her before she could.

At night we have a fireworks display that my brother Todd puts on. One time he tripped and landed on a bottle rocket and it exploded his poo-hole. It looked like when we dropped a pumpkin off the overpass and Todd pooed liquid for three days. Each year he tries to put on a bigger and bigger show. This year was the biggest.

Daddy just watches. Mommy won’t let him touch the fireworks because he’s had too much of his special cigarette medicine. My brother Todd gets the fireworks from Juan Pedro, the Mexican boy down the street. Juan and his little brother Estaban come over for the fourth of July celebration and they eat their hot dogs out of taco shells. They always get a big kick out of it when my brother Todd blows his anus to shreds.

Todd had decided to pile several m80s this year. He wanted a big explosion. But Kitty had tried to get one of the salted hot dogs off the grill and caught her whiskers on fire. Daddy gave Kitty a big boot to put the fire out and Kitty went flying onto the m80 pile. She set the m80s on fire and ran off into the woods to fuck squirrels like Daddy says she does. The pile of m80s exploded with Todd on top of it. He had been peeing a ring around the pile to make sure the explosion stayed in one place and the explosion blew his swanson to bits. It sounded like when we stuck a banana in the muffler and Todd’s weenus looked like a burnt match.

The fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. We get to celebrate patriotic heroes like Benjamin Franklin and Uncle Sam. It’s also the time of year when Todd has to wait the longest in the emergency room because there’s a bunch of other kids in there with missing fingers.