Busted Up

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Ants

Ants are god's tiniest creatures. They have three segments to their bodies and each one peforms a specific function. The front one eats, the bottom one poos out dirt like an earth worm. In the middle is electricity and poison. They have itty bitty jaws for cutting leaves and opening tiny cans of eggs that they eat for breakfast. Sometimes they eat other ants when they run out of cans.

Sometimes they're brown, but most of the time they're bright red and filled with hot sauce. My older brother Todd thought they were supposed to be like a spice so he put them in his omelette and he ate it and his stomach puffed out like a balloon. The doctor said that his belly was like a hive, with an active colony of ants inside. Todd had to swallow a camera that showed all the ants inside and it looked like one of those shows on TV where the camera is inside the anthill. The doctor told him to take a poo over the sandbox because ants love sand and it would draw them out of his poohole into the dirt. It took about six hours but it totally worked and then Todd had to sleep with ant traps in his bed for awhile in case they came back.

Ants can also fly. The queen ant has wings that are made out of saran wrap and when its time they eat all the other ants to fatten up. Then she flies to another hill where the ant police can't find her and she starts a new hill.

I tried to farm ants one time because I wanted to milk them. Ant milk is supposed to be high in vitamin brown and vitamin j. I raised a little colony of ants but their teats were too small to be milked. They escaped into the breadbin and then my older brother Todd found them and thought they were poppy seeds on a bagel. He ate the bagel and the whole thing started all over again with the swollen belly and the sandbox and all that.

It is recommended that you don't touch ants because they run electricity across their jaws. It's like a tiny electric fence with teeth that you shouldn't touch. My brother Todd touched one with his pee-pee and it looked like a chicken cutlet from the sizzler. I saw it smoking.

¶ 8:38 PM

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One time in national geographic, there was a picture of a black girl (probably african) who had ants crawling out of her eyes.

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