Beer.
a diary entry by Timothy B. Tanglefrappe, age 10
Beer is daddy fuel.
He says that beer helps him close his ears when mommy is talking. He also says that it helps mommy open up her pecker wrecker when he’s feeling ornery. He told me that I wasn’t supposed to drink it until I was at least 14 and living out of the house and that if he caught me drinking it he’d smack my bottom with a belt. He caught my brother Todd one time and he smacked his butt so hard that Todd had to get special padded pants so that he could sit down.
Beer is made up of equal parts shredded wheat and racecar gas. It smells like corn chips and it looks like the color of my brother Todd’s pee but not as bubbly. People in my neighborhood drink it all the time to make girls pretty and lower their taxes. Mommy drinks beer to make the demons go away.
But one day I was walking in the woods and I went to the ballpark behind my house and there were a bunch of men there drinking beer and talking about pussy cats and slapping their hands together. They gave me one of the beers and I drank it in the woods. I was dancing to the music of the trees and Margaret Shatskin found me and took my beer. She chugged it down in one gulp and started calling me sailor.
We ran into Juan Pedro and Esteban in the woods and they were smoking special cigarettes. They told me I was loco for hanging out with Margaret because she’s been passed around like a basketball.
“That girl’s been hit more times than a piñata,” said Juan Pedro.
My brother Todd was hanging a piñata one time at Juan Pedro’s house and Esteban was blindfolded and hit him really hard with a baseball bat until candy came out. But it wasn’t candy. It was testicles and dick parts and Todd had to go to the hospital. They wrapped his package up like a burrito and his scabs looked like dried salsa.
The beer made me feel really strong and loud and I tried to pick a fight with a bear. Margaret flashed it her boobies and we ran off and the bear thought my brother Todd was me. It threw Todd up in a tree and he landed on a branch right up his poo-hole. It sounded like when grandpa shot a hole in one and Todd screamed like an eagle I saw on teevee.
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