Once upon a time there was a house full of 18 rats. Inside the house were a boy and his older brother named Sir Todd. Every day the boy would take a stick and poke all the rats and try to get them to leave the house. 18 is an awful lot of rats. Sir Todd would try to get the rats out of the house as well but one time a rat thought that his flesh-sword was a piece of cheese and tried to eat it. It bit the head off like a muffin top and Sir Todd was doused in mineral spirits, shriveling his flesh-sword like jerky.

Each day the two boys carried out their chores under the watchful eyes of Queen mom and King dad. Queen Mom ruled the land and King Dad drank a lot and watched jousting all day on the magic box. They paid the boys a farthing each to get rid of the rats, which they couldn’t do. The boy did his best, but Sir Todd had been experimenting with flash powder and burned his pissing-stick to cinders. Even the kingdom’s magician was at a loss to fix it, and replaced it with an inflated goat’s bladder that smelled like horse droppings.

One day, the boy came up with an idea to get rid of the rats. He decided that if he killed the lead rat that he would be able to convince the other rats to leave the house. Rats are like bees. There’s usually one queen rat in the hive that squirts out rat eggs all day and the rest are just drones. The boy was determined to find the queen rat.

Princess Maggie Shatskin, the girl from the neighboring kingdom, offered to help. Queen Mom hated Princess Maggie because she was always prancing around without her princess dress on, and she was convinced that Queen Shatskin had been sleeping in King Dad’s bed to earn ducats for her kingdom. Princess Maggie Shatskin said that she cleaned rats out of her castle all the time and that she could probably find the queen rat.

Meanwhile, Sir Todd was setting up more flash powder around the rat holes to blow the rats to kingdom come. He didn’t believe in the queen rat and was really just interested in getting back at the rat that blew up his cock. “You better kill those fuckin’ rats dead you little A-hole,” said Queen mom.

Princess Shatskin, wearing little more than a thin smock she called her “rat catcher’s uniform” struck out early in the morning with the boy to catch the queen rat. They were on a hunt for rat eggs.

“You better looook out!” said one of the Italian brothers who cleaned the bathroom in the castle when he spied the pair snooping around. “That little sausageless boy has beeeeen laying fi-er-crack-ers all morn-ing!”

“Yes senor, that little bugger is going to blow up his cannoli again!” said the other brother. “I’ll wager my mus-stache on it!”

Just then a large explosion rocked the castle, and a pile of 17 rats landed at the feet of the Italian brothers. They quickly scooped up the rats and flushed them down the toilet where they belong. Sir Todd came out holding the last dead rat in his hand. All the hair had been burned off of it. It was ruptured and bleeding, and black like a burnt hot dog.

“You got the last fuckin’ rat Sir Todd. Now maybe you’ll stop blowing up your pecker,” said Princess Maggie.

“What do you mean? This is my pecker,” said Sir Todd.